Sorry For the Absence

     I am so sorry for not being around.  Some know that I struggle with a mental illness.  It has been a rough 2 months for me with a suicide attempt and hospital stay.  I'm not proud of how I have been.  But at the same time, I don't understand it.  I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I'm on some stronger meds.  It seems to be helping. 
     But in the time I've been gone, I have been able to find myself and love me.  If it were not for Edgar and Marianne, I would not have made it through the last two months.  They have taught me that through meditation, my faith in God and just loving myself that I can get through anything. 
     I felt like I had no one to talk to, that no one would understand, that I was alone.  But that was not the case.  Please if you are going through something and need to talk, I AM HERE.  Or there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  They are available 24 hours a day.  Please reach out..

     Have a blessed day!
                Chelle
 
    
    

Inspiration All Around

Every day on my facebook page I try to share some kind of inspiration so

people would not feel alone or sad or they are not good enough.

I do this because I deal with these thoughts and emotions daily.

Emotionally I am a wreck and socially awkward.

I guess it started years ago moving to Fresno

and then other issues just piled on

and I never really got a chance to heal from anything.

I am not going to blame anyone for how I have been treated or what I have been through.

Ya know it is what it is.

It happened, its in the past.

I can not control how others treat or act towards me,

but I can control how I react to them.

Which lately, I have been reacting horribly,to the point of suicide.

Not once but twice in a two year period.

I just want to feel loved.  Who doesn't?

I can not say I have ever felt it.

I mean people say it, but its another thing to show it.

I was raised where you do not backstab your friends, you are honest with one another, treat others with respect and just be a good person.

So its hard for me to open up to others because

I am afraid they are going to hurt me one way or another.

Even socially I suck, because I am always thinking that people don't like me.

I told you I have issues.

Anyways, after a crappy marriage, I start working on me.

Like getting my thyroid regulated, losing weight, trying to put myself in social settings so I could be use to being around other people and trying to be the sunlight in someone's darkness.

A few people have been a huge source of inspiration for me.

Like Jo, founder of Deeds 4 Drew.

Its been a battle for me.  I have my good days and bad days.

But I still try to spread that sunshine, even though inside I feel like dying.

That is until today, when a very close friend of mine, Starla told me I was her inspiration.

I think I cried for an hour after seeing that.

All I could think was, Me? I am someone's inspiration?

How could I be someone's inspiration when I am hurting inside?

And it made me feel like every emotion I have been feeling

has been worth it.

Like what I have become because of my pain is helping someone else.

What an amazing honor and feeling to know I am making a difference.
Do not ever think you can not make a difference in someone else's life.
Inspiration comes from everything.
Pain, hurt, sadness, happiness, joy, you just don't know.
But be the reason someone smiles..

If you are not feeling good enough...

Listen to this song.

You are good enough.

You are Beloved!!

Have a beautiful day.

God Bless!

Chelle